


Barometric Pressure

by PetrichorIllusions



Category: Me and AU
Genre: Author projecting onto a character in a show who is also projecting onto a character in a show, Character Study, Gen, Mostly hurt with the tiniest bit of comfort, Podfic Available, Reference to Depression, i guess?, pre Kate/Ella, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25782439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetrichorIllusions/pseuds/PetrichorIllusions
Summary: “So she gets it, that what’s the point feeling. That why bother feeling. What’s the point in trying to save the monsters if they’re going to die anyway? What’s the point in getting a real job if it’s not going to last? What’s the point in befriending the maybe-werewolf park rangers if that friendship has a time limit? Why try and make friends on your university courses when at best it’ll last the few months of the semester?”Thoughts from Kate, set through and immediately after Episode 4.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 14





	Barometric Pressure

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Touch, by Sleeping At Last

It’s not that she’s _planning_ to die. She’s not suicidal, not really, not _actively._ And there’s nothing in her family history to say she’s going to die young - she’s basically healthy, and it’s not like she’s Tony, there’s no curse out there waiting to get her. 

But. 

But, there’s this little voice in her head, this feeling in her gut, which is so certain she won’t make it to 27. It’s arbitrary, she’s pretty sure, and unhealthy - god, she knows that. But it’s… ever-present. It’s been there so long she can’t even remember when it started. Clearly, when she was too young to realise that 27 is too old - you have to do things before you’re 27, it’s not enough to finish school and get a degree, you have to work out what you’re supposed to be doing and start doing it, even if you have _no idea,_ even if you can’t answer interview questions about your 5 year plan because you’ve never bothered making one. 

So she gets it, that _what’s the point_ feeling. That _why bother_ feeling. What’s the point in trying to save the monsters if they’re going to die anyway? What’s the point in getting a real job if it’s not going to last? What’s the point in befriending the maybe-werewolf park rangers if that friendship has a time limit? Why try and make friends on your university courses when at best it’ll last the few months of the semester?

Selkirk, and fandom, it’s been a nice respite from all that. She finds online friendships easier, has for years. There’s less pressure - you can spend hours carefully considering your message in reply to someone, and they’ll just assume you were busy with your Real Life for those hours. And when the conversation dies out, well, when the new episode comes out you’ll have something to say again, or sometimes you don’t and that’s chill. You don’t have to worry about bumping into them in a pizza place, or when they come to your work to grab a coffee, you just… go on with your lives having had a nice interaction with someone. Sure, there are people you worry about, but in the end you just have to hope they moved into a new fandom and got a new url, or found a new hobby offline. You might wonder about them for years to come, but you just… hope they’re happy. 

And the best thing is, that’s a two way street. The friendship is just as real, but it’s more transient, and that means if anything ever happened… she wouldn’t be dragging them down with her. She can’t say that for her real life friends. Friend. Whitney. Knowing how much it would hurt Whitney has got her through some of the worse times. It feels… wrong, bad somehow, to be so reliant on one person, but how - _how?_ \- can she fix that? What do you say to a casual acquaintance, “what up, I’m Kate and I’m not dead-set on dying but I sure as fuck wasn’t expecting to make it this far and now I don’t know what to do with myself”? An easy way to lose that acquaintance status. The more she thinks about Whitney, about how little they’ve spoken recently, the more she wonders how much of that she should be blaming herself for. 

She’s not a dick, she doesn’t resent Whitney for moving away, for moving on. It was going to happen sometime; it’s always been a case of when, not if. And probably if your best friend is a joyless husk of a person, there’s not all that much reason to stay close. 

Except Kate does resent her. She really, really does, the resentment made up of jealousy, and fear, and sheer _longing -_ whilst even at the same time she’s so proud of her, so glad for her, and so mad at herself for being upset about it. But Whitney is treating Toronto like it’s becoming home, and Kate? Kate’s never known where home is. She feels traces of it, sometimes. The times she and Stuart are so in sync, mocking a customer without ever saying a word. Live-blogging an episode, those moments of collective excitement when everyone is feeling the same thing, everyone theorising and fantasising and hungry for more, that upwards spiral of momentum when everyone is typing. Home is when you finally get that notification from the one person you were hoping would read what you wrote, and they’re just as excited and happy as you hoped they would be. 

They’re bare traces, droplets where it’s supposed to be a whole ocean, and they are without fail fleeting. Reality creeps back in, and the customer you silently mocked cusses you out for the tiniest smirk on your face, and the show ends and the fandom quietly peters out, and other people are busy having their own damn lives, not spending every second on the Internet, constantly refreshing to see what you said. The show you’re using as escapism hits too close to home and you feel sick, your chest is suddenly too tight and it’s _only a tv show,_ it’s stupid to worry about how you’ll handle it if it gets too much, too real _._ Except it isn’t _just_ a tv show: these characters mean something to you, and maybe you’re projecting onto them too much but they echo you, bringing you back to all those feelings, making you feel them all again except this time it’s for them, for their friends, for everyone around them. And if you think of _their_ friends, then maybe if you’re projecting this much you should think about _your_ friends, only you’ve spent so long isolating yourself so you didn’t hurt them that you don’t know how many of them will care any more; and the one friend you thought would never leave you like that is in Toronto finding out that there’s a much better life she can live if you’re not in it. 

And then you whine about it on the Internet, because god forbid you fix your own problems in peace, rather than shouting them out loud and making them everyone else’s problem. And then the damn app crashes, and Stuart is calling, and there’s no getting out of your shift. And the shift is with the manager who always _Knows_ , so there’s no way you can sneak away and delete the post, and god knows what people must think. Or actually, she knows exactly what they must think, knows all too well that mixture of pity and ‘yikes’. Side-eye gently and avoid the depressed loser who responds within seconds as if she never has anything else to do, because it won’t be long before she’s bringing everyone down with her. If she’s honest, she doesn’t think anyone will even say anything. Probably a couple of pity likes, maybe a well-meaning but ultimately meaningless anon. God, why did she post that, it’s fucking embarrassing. 

She switches suddenly from wanting to get to her phone as soon as possible to never wanting to see her phone again. She’s so desperate to avoid it that she stays after her shift, helping out until Stuart gives her a suspicious look and asks her what she’s aiming for. There’s no good option in response other than to leave, so. She leaves. 

The problem with all her avoidance strategies being on her phone is when the thing she’s trying to avoid is also on her phone. 

She drives herself home without looking at her notifications, sneaks back up to her room so she doesn’t have to face her parents. She’s half tempted to sit in the bottom of her closet like she did when she was a kid. She gives it serious consideration, then falls face first onto her bed instead. She taps the back of her phone with a nail, tracing the edges rather than turning it over. 

Because there is one option worse than pity likes, of course. What if no one cares? 

A hypocritical stance, for all the knowing self-isolating she’s done. She’s not unaware of that. But god, she hopes someone, anyone still cares. 

Finally, there’s no avoiding it. And also the Selkirk Twitter usually tweets sometime around now, and that’s something to look for if nothing else. She takes a deep breath, and flips her phone over, and-

Fuck, that’s a lot of notifications. That’s - a lot of _nice_ notifications. In a fandom this small, 6 notes is impressive. But… they’ve all checked in. Told her she’s not fucked up, or that maybe she is but that’s okay, and that they’re with her, there for her. And then- then there’s the messages from Ella. 

_Hey, I saw your post, are you okay?_

_Kate?_

_You don’t have to reply if you don’t want of course, it’s absolutely your business and I don’t mean to pry._

_But,,, I get it. Obviously not the exact thing that you’re feeling of course, but, something similar to what you said. It… hit hard, that scene. And if you want to talk about it, I’m here._

_…. okay this is the longest I’ve ever seen you go without answering a message, are you okay?_

_Fuck, maybe I’m bothering you, if I’m bothering you I’m so sorry. Ignore me as long as you need, I’ll still be here when you feel like talking again._

They’re all from the start of her shift, hours ago. And then there’s another one, timestamped seven minutes ago. 

_So, I figure, I might not be able to help how you’re feeling. But I_ **_can_ ** _help how Tony’s feeling. So, hurt/comfort Garrett/Tony (Garony? Tarrett?) fix-it fic? You don’t need to reply, but I hope it makes you feel a little better <3_

And that’s - well. It’s pretty hard to feel sad and alone when you have a friend who’ll write you a thousand word fic in, what, three hours, in the hope it might make you feel a little better. It’s pretty hard to feel anything other than giddy happiness, really. 

She’ll almost certainly have to actually deal with her feelings later, but for now? Kate smiles, and clicks the link. 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Barometric Pressure](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27070630) by [WoollyLambdaPods](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WoollyLambdaPods/pseuds/WoollyLambdaPods)




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